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Women and the People They Love |
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7 Symptom Messages to Siblings
(in childhood and adulthood)
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Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
7654 Montgomery Road
Cincinnati, OH 45236
513-542-0646
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Connecting Message: "I'll bring us together." Whether a positive or negative experience, the siblings are now in contact with
each other. Siblings who have had little communication with each other, can give support and suggestions to their symptomatic bother
or sister. Or, siblings may be angry about the problem, but fighting in itself is a form of connection. For brothers and sisters who
have nothing in common, the problem becomes a topic for conversation.
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Equalizing Message: "See, I too have a problem. We are not so very different." The person who has been identified as the "good" child
in the family, often is estranged from the rest of thee siblings. Therefore, there is a wish NOT to be different from the others. A
common example is the person's fear of sibling resentment if he or she is more successful than brothers or sisters, or a sense of
disloyalty for being more successful than they. This message frequently occurs when the problem has been kept a secret.
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Deflecting Message: "I will protect you." This may occur when the symptomatic person hopes his/her symptom will protect a sibling from
parental concern or disapproval. Or, the person may feel the symptom is of more manageable size for parents to handle than the problems
of another sibling. The parents may be avoiding the problems of the other children, or they may not be aware of them. The symptomatic
person may not know why he or she is anxious or fearful about the siblings.
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Peace-making Message: "I will make you important and give you a role in the family." A symptom can be reparative of other family
relationships. Tension may exist between parents and one of the other siblings. When parents are worried about the symptomatic child,
the other children have a chance to assist parents. This allows the black sheep or disengaged children to reach out to parents or the
parents to seek their support.
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Dirty-Fighting Message: "Got-cha!" A symptom can be a covert means of fighting with a sibling. It is a way to steal parental attention
or to repay a childhood debt – when the sibling had more attention, power, abilities. This may occur when normal sibling competition
(such as athletic or academic ability) had been actively denied in families.
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Flagging Message: "Please pay attention; there is a serious problem in our family that we are ignoring." When a person needs to attract
attention to the family, the message is for one or more siblings to hear the call for help and to assist in dealing with the unresolved
family issues.
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Separating Message: "I need a vacation from my role in the family." The symptom provides the person a way to emotionally distance him or
herself from the family, when it is not possible to move away physically.
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Dr. Karen Gail Lewis - 7654 Montgomery Road - Cincinnati, OH 45236 - 513-542-0646
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