If it weren’t for wanting to be with a man, the single life can be quite satisfying
Research shows what single women already know: They can have a rich and fulfilling life without marriage. In fact, they often are more self-reliant and feel more centered than their married friends since they have had more space to devote to their self-development.

With or Without a Man starts with the premise that you know how to meet men and what to do on dates. It makes the assumption that you, like most women, are working on your personal growth -- either through having read books, talked with friends, or been in therapy.

With or Without a Man is different from other self-help books in its explanation for why there are so many single women today: More women than men are pursuing their personal growth, so more women than men are ready for a healthy relationship. And, women only want to be with emotionally healthy men.

We live in a society that values marriage as the “norm.” If that value judgment were removed, being married and being single would be two equally viable paths through adulthood. There would be no need for women to blame themselves for being single.

Life is full of ambiguities, and for single women, a major one is not knowing if you’ll meet a suitable man for a long-term relationship or marriage.

If you are in love, at this point in your life you know that is not enough. Being in love is wonderful; there’s a deep sense of connection and mutual nurturing. But, loving a man who cannot make a commitment to you, or who blocks your personal or professional growth, or who is not emotionally available, or who is emotionally or physically abusive is nether wonderful nor enough.

The reality is that whether or not a woman has a relationship with a man, she may feel something is missing if she isn’t meeting her needs in the other areas of her life, separate from that relationship. These needs include a connection with close friends and a nurturance that comes from being involved in meaningful work or an avocation.

Since love is not static -- there are romantic highs, times of being bored and unappreciated, unnerving arguments, the quiet depth of affection -- you need a life that is rewarding, especially during the low points in a relationship, or if that relationship ends. As a single woman, you have no control over meeting an emotionally available man, but you do have control over including intimacy and internal fulfillment in your life. This book describes nine tasks to help you do this.

With or Without A Man has three sections. Chapter 1 through 3 offer an understanding of our societal bias toward marriage and how that can affect a woman’s feelings about herself as a single.

Chapters 4 through 12 describe nine tasks for living a satisfying single life -- ignoring the societal bias. Weaving through each of these nine tasks is the basic human need for a deep connection with others. This comes from loving and being loved, neither of which is limited to romantic love alone.

The second basic need interwoven in each of the nine tasks is nurturing -- nurturing yourself, nurturing others, and letting others nurture you. Without all three forms of nurturing, you may feel emotionally depleted, attributing that feeling to your not having a partner.

These nine tasks provide a structure for assessing whether or not you are getting the nourishing connections you need for a satisfying single life -- with or without a man. The tasks can be used as a periodic checkup to see how well you are doing as an adult single.

Another way to use the tasks is to see where you experience the most pain in your life and then read the chapter that corresponds to that pain. You may well find clues for the cause and the cure.

A third way to use the tasks, especially on days when you’re feeling blue, is to focus on all that you have accomplished, reminding yourself of the strength you possess in being an adult single in a world that values married couples.

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1. An Up-Close and Personal Look at Today's Single Women
2. Messages and Self-Blame
3. Do Something! The Effect of the Messages
4. Being Grounded
5. Meeting Your Basic Needs
6. Making a Decision About Children
7. Enjoying Intimacy
8. Hope for Horniness-Facing Your Sexual Feelings
9. Men! Clarifying Your Thinking About Them
10. Grieving
11. Making Peace With Your Parents
12. Preparing For Old Age
13. Teaching Men
14. Therapy For Single Women
15. A Different View of Being Single